Discussion:Recognize a Controlling Person

I think I was in a controlling relationship. I found that our interaction was a one way street. In conversation she would ask questions that she would not herself answer. She would ask me to do things for her that she would not do for me. She would demand that I dispense affection toward her but would not recipricate any toward me. She constantly edited me in conversation. When I spoke to her I felt as though she was attempting to trip me up or undermine what I was saying. She would very often read something horrible into the most benign comments or questions so she would have a reason to scold me. She would leap to horrible and false conclusions before I could finish what I was saying - again so she would have a reason to scold me. Toward the end, they only successful way to have a conversation was to let her ask questions that I would have to carefully answer. If I asked her questions (beyond what she wanted me to ask - stuff she could brag about, for example), she would ignore or them or give me an anwser other than what I asked. If I asked her to do anything, she would flatly refuse. It was almost as if asking her questions or asking her to do things was being interpreted as me attempting to tell her what to do. When I ended the relationship by asking her not to call, she continued to contact me as though my request hadn't happened. Her goal was to get into contact so that she could be the one to end it.

Controlling people can't stand strong people, and often hate and fear those they have no power over. Watch how they respond when you make it clear that you make your own decisions. If they are angry(especially rage), or do something passive-aggressive to "punish" you, then get rid of them while you can. Controlling/Abusive people do NOT respect strength. They fear and hate it. At least bullies(some, at least) and forceful people respect strength, yanno?

My mother in law is very controlling. Before my father in law past this last May, he seemed to be able to keep her in check. She used to tell me things about how I was raising my children wrong, feeding them wrong, etc. I was raised very differently than my husband and was able to counteract her negative attempts with support of my family. My husband, god bless him, always defended me and that annoyed her. There were several years that we avoided her because we couldn't take the abuse. Now that her husband is gone she is trying to manipulate and use all of my husbands free time by pretending she doesn't know how to do things. My husband gets upset with her but feels it is his duty to take care of her now that his father is gone. Her daughter has moved back and is living with her, but her personality is much like her mothers. Now we have two of them to deal with. I have taught my children to stand up for themselves and not to allow those women to attack their self-esteem.

I am on the other side of things. Reading this article has opened my eyes. I think I am a controlling person. How can I change? please help me before i drive away everyone who cares for me.

I am so glad to have found this article and how to deal with controlling people. im a student and had to live with a controlling girl. before starting uni i was very content with my life, brilliant family and an amazing boyfriend. But once i met this person and her controlling ways, my self esteem has been at it's lowest and have felt like she had sucked my individuality away. i just didn't know who i was anymore. She was such an negative person i have never cried so much in my life. Throughout this year i did remain a strong person (or so it seemed on the outside). out of everyone i lived with i was the only one to stand up to her but because noone else supported me i found it pointless. I have got to live another year with her which i'm dreading. could you give me any advice on how to deal with her while staying strong?

Thanks for issuing this article as I too have been a victim of a few controlling relationships. I am now 3 years divorced from a controlling ex-wife that left me financially and emotionally bankrupt and due to the fact that I have limited financial resources enjoy life, I still feel caught in her trap. During our marriage I was proud of my achievements however she never openly praised me in any way. As a Manager within a large corporate organisation life was busy for me and unfortunately I also had a controlling female boss at work.

Whenever I came home from work to discuss my career problems, my-ex would remark that she was sick me complaining and would ask me to concentrate on the needs of our 2 children. I invested all of my spare time and finances on completing a refurbishment of our family home and purchasing a new car for my-ex to transport our children around town. Three weeks after the completion of the home refurbishments, she advised me that she wanted a divorce. At the time of the separation she threatened to drag me through the courts and prevent me from seeing my children if I refused her wish to divorce and make her sell the home. Within 9 months of our separation she had already met another guy and he was living in the house I had built. She has proactively ended relationships with any of her friends that decided to still keep in contact with me. This included a girl at her office that sat 2 seats away. In her new de-facto relationship, she has already caused a rift between her new partner and his 3 daughters. As for my job, it ended in resentment but I am gradually building my self esteem via involvement in team sports, enjoying life with my wonderful boys, and ensuring that I keep company with positive and genuine people. I have decided to concentrate on a life of positivity and whilst I am financially struggling; emotionally I feel like a millionaire.

I guess in my case I have been suffering from a pathological friendship ...a best friend who gets upset with me and wont speak to me if I dont respond to text messages immediately...or do what she wants me to do.... I realised it has become unhealthy and yet at the same time I dont know how to sort this out....as she has me riddled with feelings of guilt and I feel like I am constantly the "bad" one ...the bad person being the bad friend.

I read this article and literally got chills while reading. Everything in this article described this person I'm involved with to a tee, point by point. It's funny how you don't realize what's happening to you while you're in the midst of a controlling relationship until someone points it out to you, and stepping back to take a look, you're almost in disbelief if not shock. Like, where was my mind?? Now comes the tasks of dealing with a 3-1/2 year controlling "friendship." My main concern is leaving the friendship in one piece, healthy and happy, provided that this individual leaves the same. I don't want to be the center of a newspaper clipping with the every popular description of a crime: 'victim found in ravine or a wooded area..." you know?

ha! yes! know one well!

This article helps quite a bit. I'm currently in a friendship where I think my friend is a control freak. He seems to be possesive and obsessive with me. We have gotten into arguments and I'll apologize for what I said, but he never will and doesn't respect my feelings. He has said multiple times our friendship has to be his way, and not mine or our way.

Everything revolves around him. With this article, I can prove my belief that I have a control freak that is trying or has controlled me in the past and present as a friend. Well he's no longer a friend now.

Oh my gosh...this article hit the nail on the head. Ok...so now I see what this relative has, what do I do? How do I deal with it?

I my self have been all kinds of bad realationships rather man or woman I had found that this to be so true when you frist meet someone and you dont see it right off the bat but then later you start to feel kind of wierd about things that is your first RED FLAG then it goes on to they will try to get you to avoid your family like saying well you know there not a good influince on you then they seem to not like the color of your hair you picked out so they get you a different hair color and then it goes on and on then the next thing you know they dont want to talk much to you because you want to move on with others but still want to be friends with them as well hmmmmmmmm then you think why is it a big deal if I have other friends or not well it goes on and on

I knew I was in such relationship, but now I know I was right all along. 4 yrs into this relationship and I have lost all my family ties. they are all evils and I have to abandon them. we spend most of our times with her family now. anytime I try to do something for a while she wants me to stop that and pay attention to her. I am not sure what would be the end result. i am attached and feel sorry for her, but I have a life to live as well. tough choice

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It turns out one of my best friends is controlling. Like this one time a guy liked me and everytime he talked to me she would try to interrupt and either try to get him to leave or try to get him to stop talking to me.like we had an inside joke where we called each other best buddy.N she ordered me to stop saying it.Now me n him dont even talk n im pretty sure it was because of her.And everytime im talking to a guy she will try to get me to leave or try n get him to stop talking to me. Also everytime im about to make a new friend she will come in & try to ruin it...which she does...

Anyways i would like to get out of this friendship.But im n every class with her and all of my other friends sit at the same table with her. She is really making my like extremely difficult so please help me!

my boss is controlling, so i decided to leave the company i feel better.she is 2 faced, she is also a bully.

i made th eright choice

Hi I have been hangging out with this type of person for a year. At first she was wonderfull now she is manipulative and trying to convince oters I am playing games. My self-esteem has suffered. I have introduced her to some of my friends and am worried she will scare them off as I have learned she scared off two others. Or worse do this to them. Do I warn them or will I seem crazy. Help.

This person is in everything I do. How do I get rid of her and keep my life.

I have a sister-in-law who has always made me feel insecure and hated. We had a falling out over her listening to my telephone conversations causing a family feud. Also she pits family member against one another befriends one and talks about the other vise vera. Well after years of not speaking. We casually talked and now we were forced to work in the same office ( a family business) she has worked here longer than me so assumes the upper control, she has given me payroll to do but most of the work she keeps to herself,not showing me I think she wants to maintain control of the business. She is very moody, sometimes I get the silent treatment, and occasional jabs, but never a completment on anything work or home ( we also are neighbors). If anyone has any ideas on how I should handle this I would appreciate it. Right now I only am pleasant to her no matter what, I am not leaving the company because it will be in her and her husbands sole care, my husband works out of the office. So I am the only one here to represent us. I have as much right to be here as she does. I only want us to be able to work together in harmony for the good of the business and our families. I do not discuss this with my husband for he has enough worries with work. It is his family. This person controls her whole family, husband, children, everyone. So I guess she is a controlling personality, I am not. PLEASE HELP

i have lived with a controlling father for 16 years. He has not changed, it just took me a little while for me to figure out that my father wasnt actually caring for me, he was just controlling me, which by the way runs in his side of the family. My mother and father divorced when i was four years old, my mother says it was because of his and his mothers controlling state of minds. My father of course denies it and says it was because she had ran off and found another man. i love my parents both very much but my guess is my mom got tired of my dads controlling b.s. and found someone else who made her happy. Anyways on with my situation, like i said earlier im 16 and i recently got a car. My dad didnt buy but he still holds it over my head tells me if i dont make A's and B's he will take the tires off. Well I did make A's and B's. So then he couldnt use that excuse anymore, now its if my ROOM isnt clean he will take it away from me, i pay the insurance on my car, the only thing they pay for is gas. I also have a job that is out of town. My dads yells and screams at the simplest things that dont matter that much.. the other day i just gotten off of work at 9 so i went by my boyfriends for a few minutes. i got screamed at because it was too late. My dad once slapped me upside the head because my dog peed on the floor, because i can tottaly control when and where it pees. He always tells me i will never amount to anything that i will end up like my mom living in a single wide in a junk yard living off some asshole. I am sixteen but i do believe i have much higher goals then my father or my mother. The town i live in isnt all that great when i turn 18 my dad told me i better have a place to live and job to support me because i will not be livin with him aftet my graduation. Well i know what i wanna be im taking college classes in high school im doing everything right, but he still makes me out to be the worst daughter in the world. I appparently always piss off, i can never make him proud, my boyfriend is " controlling" when actually it is my dad. My boyfriend has actually helped me more than anyone, i am just tired of him i just wanna scream at him but i cant because everything would just get worse, i cant run away i have thought about it but my home is already to broken, some times i use to get to the point that i felt worthless and there wasnt any point of me existing, controlling people are hard to live with especially when you cant leave because there isnt anywhere else to go. I love my dad, but i just dont understand the point his is trying to prove, or the ways he goes about proving them. He always has to have the last world. With him its BLACK or WHITE, but never will it be Gray.

i have a controlling parner and i have ended it many of times,well tried to but it never works.he comes back and tells me he will change and i know he wont but he has such a temper that i dont know how to get through to him i dont want to be with him anymore.he always says iv got someone new,and i havnt.i know if i end it he would come to my place of work and kick off and i dont want that because its not fair on my work mates and boss.how do you end it?he tells me he loves me and that i am his world but if i was he wouldnt be so angry with me all the time,WOULD HE?

It is hard to leave at first because you don't see what is happening, people like this are good at manipulation and making everything look like your fault. When you stand up for yourself you're "crazy" or have an "anger" issue, even if they have worked you into frenzy by totally devaluing you. I have been with him for two years, he completely controls the finances and everything I do is wrong and HE does it better than I do, because the underlying message is always that he IS actually better than I am. I do stand up to him, but he will guilt, nag (to death!), fight, intimidate and manipulate you until you feel your head will explode if you don't do something to stop it. I have left him before because of this and he's always managed to suck me back in eventually, keeps calling me, at first being a jerk and then being sweet as pie. Finally, I have had it. I am moving out. He knows I am moving out and has taken all the money away just to try to scare me that I have no help and no money to leave. I hate him now enough to leave and whether he takes the money away or not, I will find a way to go if I have to hitchhike home; I have had enough of being made to feel like nothing!!!!

My best friend of six years is controlling. I cannot take it any more. I didnt realize this until about a year ago, and now i am just wondering how to get out. I am never right, what i do is always wrong. Whenever i do make a mistake it is made known. I never get any compliments but i always give in to her. Im tired of giving in. She got me a job at her work, and i told her i wanted to quit before i told the boss because i knew i would hear it if i hadnt (i had heard it before in previous cases), well she blew up on me, but i dont know what to do because i am supposed to be going on vacation with her in a couple of days. Please someone help me, i have social anxiety, lost a lot of friends, and low self confidence because of this. I am supposed to be going to college in two months, (diff colleges thank god) but how do i deal with this now, and how will i be a stronger person in college? please im begging you i've dealt with this too long....SIX YEARS of my teenage life gone....

It should be noted that in the steps at the beginning of the article there are statements that an actual controlling person could use in order to justify their controlling behavior and transfer their behavior onto someone that is actually setting appropriate boundaries.

For example, this statement: "Think about your own actions. Do you often find yourself altering your own personality, plans or views to fit someone else's, even if you are a strong person? If so, you might have been dealing with a controlling person."

Controllers typically have serious issues with setting and respecting healthy boundaries. An actual controlling person asking themselves that question may view boundaries as controlling behavior and the boundary setter as a controller. Therefore he or she could justify the other person's behavior to be "controlling" rather than "boundary setting". This could have the result of justifying (in the controller's eyes) their behavior, and they may even call it boundary setting, when in reality they are just being controlling.

I experience this regularly with my mother. She calls me controlling each time I set a boundary with her. Ironically, boundary setting is a form of control and self-care, but it is not directed at controlling another person. It is directed to individual decisions on how to respond to another person's attempts to control someone. This fine line can be very difficult for a true controller to recognize.

My husband is very controlling. He always wants me to spend time with his family, but never wants to visit mine. He is constantly putting them down, but if they can help him in any way he sings a differant tune. I sometimes hate him so much that I just cry until my eyes swell shut. What can I do ? He always puts me down but when others are around he puts on a big front. I want to tell the world what a fake he is. I wish i had the courage to leave everything and start over, but I have a child and he and his father are close and I don't want to jeapordize that. I wish I could be happy

My wife has a controlling co-worker who befriended her (before she met me) and has become codependent on her. He helped her through some hard times and is always wanting to solve our problems for us, his way. He plays mind games with her and never admits fault. He insists on frequent, scheduled visits and gets upset if we say no to his invitations, putting her on a guilt trip of how this makes him feel rejected. When she takes vacation from work, he does the same, or he'll suddenly become ill - it's like he needs to be by her side every breating minute on work time and tries everything in his power to get us to commit to spending more time with him and his wife outside of work. He is often moody and will sometimes argue or sulk at my wife about the most trivial matters at work. He constantly needs to be the centre of attention and 'saviour' in every situation, to the point of looking ridiculous. He also criticizes people to the extreme to try and make himself seem superior.

He always drags us into his dramas, and will exasperate her with his issues, which makes me wonder how his own wife stands it all. He has passed up career opportunities to stay partnered with my wife, and manipulates his wife's career aspirations to ensure it fits his needs. I feel like I'm always having to keep my guard up as he intrudes on our boundaries. My wife acknowledges that he has some serious issues, but believes that ultimately he is a good, helpful, sincere person, whereas it takes all my energy just to tolerate him. It's a very tangled web and I find myself on a mental rollercoaster with the situation. It's very, very frustrating as I feel he's omnipresent and hovering over our relationship, trying to control/impact it at every turn. We've established boundaries and communicated them, but it feels like he just keeps pushing in different ways. I can't imagine living with such a person - I feel sorry for those who do!

OMG! Wow. My jaw dropped when reading this. I have spent years with a controlling person as a best friend and didnt realize that she scared off everyone else around her, never compliments, and always highlights flaws in me and others. I give in many times because I dont like conflict. But this behavior is not always. Especially when we are alone, it is usually when other friends or new boyfriends come around. Thing is, everything she does to me (negatively) would have her flying off the handle if I did it to her. She states that I let other people use me when if fact it is just her. WOW! I cant believe I have been so slow in realizing this. I am not just being nice and overlly analytical I was being controlled. ANd I am so ready for change. In fact the last falling out left me with the upper hand and I almost "Gave in" But I will NO try to mend anything this time. If I am valued then she will try. Better to be friendless then having a friend and being miserable.

Here is my story about a controlling boyfriend however I didn't realize how much I have been controlled all my life. Here is a list of how my boyfriend is trying to control me: When I try to talk David interrupts me as if I wasn't talking. In other words he starts talking immediately after I start talking, drowning out my words. We could sit for minutes without saying a word then all of a sudden I speak up but he starts talking over me. David is good at manipulation. If anything goes wrong its my fault. If I don't see David for a day or two he claims that I am seeing another man. I don't use the word accuse because David has repetitively said that he has never accused me of anything. Bull. When I stand up for myself he claims that I am the angry one. David has worked me into a frenzy several times by devaluating me. David has trouble setting up and respecting healthy boundaries. He wants in my space all the time which drains all my energy. I need my space for privacy and time alone which has nothing to do with me not liking David. I shared deep secrets with David. At the time I didn't know he was a controlling person. Since he has repetitively used my secrets to control me by stabbing me in the back. He will use these secrets against me for the next 100 years. Often I have adjusted my plans to fit into David's plans. In other words he has bullied me into thinking his plans are better. I have altered my personality because David didn't like me speaking to other men. I have always been a very friendly outgoing person. I enjoy speaking and carrying on a conversation with both men and women. My closest friends notice that I don't have the bubbley personality that I once had. I feel that a huge chunk of me has be severed. I feel robbed, betrayed by someone who I thought I could trust. Sometimes David gets a little dramatic about things. It is taking all my waking time to understand or stop a controlling person. I guess David would be happy knowing that he has put me through such agony. David is very creative as to his next strategy on how to manipulate me. He evens accuses me of being controlling.

The next part is about my sister: My older sister was controlling all of my life. She did terrible nasty things to me while growing up. I cannot believe that I actually looked up to her for guidance. I got so misled by her wicked ways. She was very jealous of me. I did not realize all this growing up. I took it in stride as if it were normal. I haven't spoken to my sister in over five years. She is an alcoholic and bi-polar. Before then every time I would try to talk with her she would walk away. Before that she was pitting one family member against another. Saying one wasn't worth anything to another. She almost destroyed our family.

I just realized that year before last before I met David that I dated a controlling guy. I didn't realize that at the time either.

How do I help someone who is in a controlling relationship? If the topic is brought up I am the one that is wrong. I love this person very much and have told them I will always be there for them. We have talked for hours and hours. she "knows" that there is something wrong but she will "fix" it i guess. I know the guy she is dating and this relationship will turn to physical harm for her. I am scared and confused. I don't want to say anything to make her pull away but I also don't want to let her feel that this relationship is normal. She has talked about ever topic in this article without knowing it. It is scary to read this article and reflect upon what she said and how well the article captured it. I really am scared for her but I don't know what to do.

This article is very appreciated and spot on.

One small discrepancy:

"Your looks will become a handicap in a controlling relationship, for they probably have a jealousy problem too."

The proper word for that is "envy," not "jelaousy." Jealousy involves feelings for a person who is in love or interested in some way with another person. Envy qualifies as the correct word in the context of the above sentence, because envy involves someone who wishes they had something that another person has, such as physical attractiveness, like in the above statement.

It's common to mistakenly label jealousy for envy in descriptions of envy. It's not that important because people know what you mean to say anyway. Just thought you might like to use the correct term in this otherwise excellent piece about the psychology of controlling people. Thanks.

@SEWOL812

Have you considered going to the abusive guy and telling him exactly what you think about him and his mental illness? If the situation is that potentially dangerous, in terms of physical harm, you could employ law enforcement or a host of LE liasons to spy on the couple and potentially catch the abuser in action. Video cameras are an excellent tool for exposing abusive people. A good video of a mean person speaks leagues to a group of concerned people in a community. Then there are the tv shows that love to receive such videos exposing mean and abusive people to the world. Imagine getting the mean person on video tape, sending that into a psychology show and then sitting back while your entire neighborhood watches this person's abusive behavior in action. It could be the clincher in getting your friend away from an abusive relationship.

About me and my abusive adopted family. I was an orphan and was emotionally abused in a manner similar to the Cinderella fairy tale. Hence, my handle "Cinderfella." I believe that is the gist of that fairy tale, which is one of the most popular of all such grandmother tales from yore. It is so popular, not so much because of the magic and romantic stuff that happens to Cinderella, but because controlling family members like the evil step-sisters were, and are still quite common. Tale telling grandmothers recognized this, felt compassion for abused children, and then the magic, romance and happy ending are placed in the story to give relief for such abused children in situations that seem to pose no chance of being honestly addressed, much less resolved.

What is obvious about the story is that it became a weathered tale during a feudalistic or otherwise heavily class based society in old Europe. The main issue is the neglect many father's exhibited for their children. There are many versions of Cinderella, with different names etc. But the main one involves a beautiful and graceful couple who were married and had a daughter, who was also full of grace and kindness. The mother died and the father remarried to a mean woman with two mean daughters who proceeded to become rediculously abusive to the man's original daughter.

As you read this, you have to wonder why the father would allow such abuse to exist. Part of it is because the mean new wife and evil step-sisters were coy and secretive about their abuse of the sweet girl. Still, the story is told by elders who must have realized the true culprit as being men in such a position and how neglectful that is. Even children today who are experiencing the same thing in their families, father neglect of sibling and other abuse, must feel tremendously sad if they read the truth of what I just wrote above.

There is also the element of class separation that plays into some versions of the tale, and generally this assumption many people had in the old days that if a person is unlucky enough to have been left without proper family and high class situation, that God willed it that way. All of it is, of course, the stupidity of people in that old society. Stupid to not recognize the psychology of family situations and to know how to fix it.

Look at the stories above, of people who continue to struggle with abusive others. All of it comes down through the ages of ignorance and neglect of emotional psychology that is somewhat more astutely recognized by psychologists and people involved in group therapy today. Yet this progress still has a long way to go, as is clear by the number of people who still struggle against emotional abuse and are often left without help and means to heal themselves from the abuse. The numbers of stories above show a tiny fraction of what goes on out in the world with the greatest majority of people who are too afraid or ignorant to do anything about the madness.

MY ABUSIVE FAMILY & SUBSEQUENT FAILED CAREER My father and his sister were pianists who grew up in a Manhattan ghetto during the Great Depression. My father won a national piano contest at age 12. He could have been a successful concert pianist, but his hatred of the rich was so great that when such a career was offered to him he refused it (communist) and then proceeded to refuse to ever play for money throughout his life. He spent his life destitute and living off the handouts of his elder brother, a violist who was fairly successful playing in various orchestras.

The two sibling pianists followed their elder, more successful violist to California after the war. In the mid-50s, my father married a notoriously beautiful woman who had been married thrice before and had six children. This stormy relationship ended after only a couple of years, when I was 16 months old, with my mother angrily leaving (probably because she realized that my father had an attitude against capitalism; she was a farmer's daughter) and she was never seen nor heard from again. Me and my father lived in a small trailer at Culver City while he worked at the local postal service until he had a stroke that left the left side of his body paralyzed, and died at hospital several months later of cerebral cancer. I was six years old.

For the first few months of my orphanhood, I was placed in a foster family of the state, until my father's sister came to adopt me into her family. My aunt, a music teacher in Los Angeles, was recently divorced from a physically abusive dock worker and she had two children who were 6 & 7 years my elder. This was my adopted family for the entire remainder of my childhood.

As stated above, my aunt grew up in the ghetto with my father, both of them pianists, and they were very close. She felt some degree of obligation toward her brother in acopting me. But there was far more to it than that. One of the main reasons for adopting me was that this family would then receive the $300 per month SSI money that was alloted to me by the US govt for all orphans. She was a piano teacher, on her own raising her two children, and making that three children including me. She also worked as a part-time secretary. She had enough of men and didn't plan to re-marry. And, she felt a trememdous amount of guilt about her son having witnessed his father abusing her. She was not a very bright woman other than her artistic, musical sensibility. She shared some of the same liberal attitude that my father had about capitalism, welfare and how musicians are generally neglected and otherwise mistreated in business. Some of which, actually is true.

My elder cousin Mark, in his young teens then, was an instinctively shrewd person. His elder sister, a I recall was devoted to school and otherwise studious behavior, obsessively so, and seemed to always wish to get away from this little family whenever she could. Mark, very short (5'1", not that should make any difference, but he was very self-conscious about it) played the trumpet and was very close to his mother, my aunt Lee. As it turned out, Mark and Lee stayed together for their entire lives, both of them dying recently, she in her 80s and Mark in his 50s, still living in small, dingy apartments and always keeping a minimum of 6 cats. This was the environment in which I grew up, and it was no wonder that my elder cousin was so keen on leaving as soon as she was of age to do so.

The background to all of this was the 1960s and early-70s, in the thick of the counter-culture movement, which served to strengthen the anti-capitalistic, pro-artistic attitudes of Mark and Lee that predominated the family. I never realized it at the time (remember, I'm the Cinderella in all this) but Mark was very manipulative of Lee, while she allowed this because, as I stated, she felt guilty about his father having abused her and for having divorced him, which Mark held over her with periodic comments to make her and me feel guilty about it. Mark was the evil, controlling person behind all of it througout my childhood, and he was so clever about it that he managed to make me believe that it was all for good, and that I should never question anything, or any of the rediculous rules that he made in the family. And there were many.

From the beginning (age 6) I was to be made aware, according to Mark, the eldest male in the house at age 12, that my deceased father was a freak, a mean weird person, that he spoiled me by allowing me to do whatever I liked, that none of that was going to continue in this house, that I would be taught what behavior was respectful and that I would never be allowed to question any of these rules, or else...! I was very frightened of being alone. I sensed a comradsmanship in my aunt that I couldn't explain, and consequently I believed everything that Mark said, wholeheartedly, bizarre as that appears to me now. Aunt Lee went along with all of it. And I remember her face now, always with an aguished, ironic look on it, helpless and out of control.

And this problem that Mark had with my presence in the house, which he otherwise condoned but only because of the monthly income I brought to these poor musicians, which he always reminded everyone was only fair since I was "using" them by being an orphan, would be exasperated by the fact that once I sat at the piano it became clear that I was naturally talented like my father had been before me. So that Lee taught me the piano, until I quickly surpassed her abilities at the instrument, and that musical instrument that we shared brought us together and left Mark out of the picture, to some extent.

I quickly became an item in my neighborhood, by age 8 was playing piano for every school assembly and concert etc. Furthermore, I was a very cute child, in a pixie-like way, and received a lot of attention from girls at school etc, which Mark had never experienced. In short, my life was fairly well charmed, that is, around town. But what nobody knew, was the dark life I lived at home with this abusive elder cousin constantly criticizing everything I did and making my life a miserable wreck, while throughout it all, I believed everything he said about me and went about my life thinking that he was right about me, that I was a spoiled brat good-for-nothing, and that everyone in the community who thought I was likeable, was mistaken!

To make a long story short, this secretly abusive childhood basically fractured my self-esteem, for obvious reasons. Once I reached puberty, I was extremely, painfully shy around girls with whom I was attracted. I was a wreck around every social situation, very quiet, introverted and troubled as I grew older and started to realize that my entire outlook on life was misguided. I didn't break through the protecting of my abusers until last Novemember, at age 52.

After several years of intensive group therapy I had a catharsis and realized all of it. As I stated, Mark and Lee died earlier this decade (and good riddance) so I was not able to confront them about the truth that I had realized about them. I cried periodically, every few hours, for several weeks last winter. Deep bawling, something that I never did, and it was all very strange for me.

Mainly my pain was about my wasted life, which has been a struggle and, despite countless opportunities to become a very successful and famous music recording artist (I grew up and lived my whole life in Hollywood) I managed to sabotage every opportunity and was literally sleeping on the sidewalk of Hollywood Blvd. during the late-80s, before I met my current wife, who is something of an angel. You might say fairy godmother, but she came late, after much wasted opportunity and a tarnished reputation in the music business. I became known, behind the scenes in LA's music business, as a "dumb blonde." And now that you've read the story of what led up to that reputation it shouldn't come as a surprise.

My daughter and I are in a situation where my sister and her husband are trying to control our lives. They tell us what to do,what to eat,where to sleep,etc. I noticed her husband has a plan for everything. The plan always has to be fulfilled. If not he gets mad.Everybody has to eat breakfast together no matter what,at his time and the food he prepared. One time he banged the cabinet door and banged the frying pan on the stove because I said we will not eat breakfast with them because my daughter was asleep. I just fear that he might a tendency to violence. One time he was insistent my daughter join them in tennis even if she had school and came home at 6pm. He was mad when I said no tennis on school days and he irritatingly said "but tennis is only on Wednesdays!". As if it were to important for her to go with them to tennis. He also seems irritated when I say no or decline even if with reason. I do not understand please someone explain to me. I am almost fearful at times. Thanks

This is a perfect description of a close friend of mine who I have lived with for 2.5 years. Unfortunately I have just signed another 12 month lease with him and his partner.

I want to move out at the end of this lease (well, ideally before this lease expires but what can one do?) but I am scared. I feel that when I do this he will accuse me of tricking them into entering into this lease, lying to them etc. I imagine there will also be huge altercations over who gets to keep the furniture (which I paid for).

Until the lease expires I would like to know some techniques on how to manage his behaviour. I don't expect to be able to change his controlling tendancies but I do at least have control over what I can do. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

My spouse ignores me anytime he is in a mood, which is often. He constantly will put me down and then when I finally react. He 'punishes' me anytime I disagree or argue with him, which is sometimes funny because we will have plans to go do his hobby and it's what he wants to do, so he will rage and say 'I'm not going anywhere with you now,m f*ck that.' Wow, real punishment, you mean I don't have to be with you and your anger all day. He freaks out anytime I miss a call from him, yet he will flat out ignore my phone calls (even in emergency situations) but if I miss a call due to being in a store and it not coming through, he rages. When I want to share something with him, be it a thought, a memory, something I read or heard, he will roll his eyes or meanly say 'NO' when I ask if he wants to hear something. And yet he is 100% dull and boring. Our kids are afraid of upsetting him, they say he has ruined every holiday, my son points out how he has ruined all my birthdays by starting fights. Then he acts pissy because no one wants to be all adoring of him. Thats the scary part, he treats everyone like shit and then wonders why no one wants to be all loving and open with him. We all do what he wants just to keep the peace, though he always finds something to be irritated and mad about anyway. He lies all the time, he snoops. I wish I had never met him, if not for our children.

put yourself in the others person shoes for a change especially without a man@

my middle name is "NO"...

HOW DO YOU PROVOKE A CONTROLLING PERSON IN PUBLIC ?Thank you so much for the article and I know my question sounds a bit odd, but if you read the rest of the story you will see that I need some answers and I need them fast due to a court hearing tomorrow. My daughter is with a very controlling man, and over a six year period he has controlled her into complete submission. She say's yes sir and no sir to him, she has to go everywhere he goes or he has to go everywhere she goes, she is not allowed to go anywhere by herself, she has to put her phone calls on speaker phone so that he can hear the call, she is not allowed to have any family or friends over unless he gives them permission, and I could go on and on. I have watched my daughter who use to be strong, as well as a strong willed person , full of life, and happy,but now she has become very sad , depressed, confused, crys all the time, walks with her head down, and almost void of life sometimes when you look into her eyes. The sad thing about this is, he has made her that he is almost some sort of God in her eyes to be worshiped because she will defend him to death. Tomorrow we go to court and it's a hearing to keep my granddaughter with her real father who has no attorney, but loves his daugther ( my granddaughter), and he takes good care of her, so my question is as I stated above, "how do you provoke a controlling person to anger in public? I know this sounds crazy , but I want to the judge to see what a threat he ( the step father) is to my daughter and granddaughter. He does not like me, and he knows that I will be there, but my concern is not only for my granddaughter, but for my daughter as well because I fear something is really bad going to happen to her, but my hands or tied it seems like. What do I do? Can I help her? Is there away for me to bring out the monster in him tomorrow? He has unleashed it on me and many others, but he is smart enough to not do something like that in front of a judge, so wha can I do to provoke that because I want the judge to see it? Please help!!!

My 9 year old daughter has a controlling friend. She does almost all of the things listed above, including keeping her from making new friends. She and I both would have no trouble ending the friendship, but unfortunately this girl and her family are in every aspect of our life...neighbors, school, carpools, activities. Any spoken discord would detonate a nuclear bomb in all these areas. So I am left with a choice. Let my daughter deal with this friend until she graduates high school, or drop the bomb. I'm not sure which would be worse for her. Any advice would be great.

I was with this guy named Mark. I met him on one of those dating websites, I was in the middle of a divorce and was completely honest. We hit it off right away, and everything meshed, we had great chemistry and a lot in common. He told me I was so married to my house, even told my 9 year old wouldnt you like to live here? and on and on, trying to manipulate me into moving into his house. I finally said okay, the very day I moved in I could tell a difference in his behaviors. He paid for trips for me, nice dining and everything. I had no job, but was going to get a livable monetary settlement from the ex husband. In fact, everyone in my life was happy for me because I was so happy and was so unhappy for so many years (15) with the ex husband. We went to New Orleans and Aspen. Then he started treating me really bad, like requesting his errands to be done, his laundry, etc. etc. I did not mind because he would then have more time with me and I was not working. So I had the time to help and thought it part of loving this man. He was short, balding and had a temper, I overlooked all that. He was cute and we were the same age. One day in New Orleans a sales person came up to us and said "I did not know it was Daddy Daughter day". This did not make him happy. I told the sales guy we are the same age. I do look alot younger than my age and he looks somewhat older than his age. Every Friday he would act real wierd, one time he asked me to go out with his friends. They were all his employees as he is an executive at his company and in there 20's eeeww! I have an 18 year old daughter and thought this was completely wierd. Each Saturday I would get up really early and leave because he would do such a doozy on me emotionally every Friday and I had no idea which end was which. My 9 year old had volleyball, each Sat he said he would go, then for some reason or another he would not. He started telling me when I got back "You keep leaving", I would say yes but I come back. It was manipulation and he had abandonment issues, control issues, alcoholism and I think later drug issues. I made a simple joke stating "well you go to work, should I be upset because you leave and come back?" He then got really angry and started saying "You are upset about that arent you?", issue after issue when I did not like his music or 20 year old friends he would criticize me etc. I never said anything other than he could still have them as friends, I just enjoy people my own age, and with time later on we will have seperate friends and friends we have together too. I cooked, cleaned etc etc everyday, pretty soon, he started telling me that I was not that attractive, that he really did not see any men looking at me, that my perception of myself was all wrong. I don't know what he was talking about to this day about "my perception". Each time he would make me angry and I would get in the car to leave and go cool off he would tell me "If you leave its over". I of course would take the keys out and not leave. Then he continued to be stranger and stranger on Fridays, it got to the point I would not even argue back or defend, I would just get up and go to bed. The last weekend we were together he told me that he wasnt comfortable with me bringing my treadmill to his house or any big items. I then realized it was pretty much over, he wanted some kind of concubine or something wierd. Then on Halloween we went out he insisted on bringing his single friend Pete, which was almost 40, looked like he was 50 and acted like he was 16. Pete got into the front seat and didnt even offer, then they proceeded to talk about the women they were talking to at the bar the night before, yes I was in the car. I was pissed. I did not say too much, we went to the parties and I did not tolerate alcohol too much, not like this guy. He made me drink after drink insisting that we will go soon, even though that wasnt the case. Then we had to go to another party. I was drunk, keep in mind this guy made my drinks so I have no idea how strong they were. We left that party, and then once again his friend sat in the front. Then they started talking badly about women and this score and that. I lost it and said "You both are so freakin immature", we dropped his friend off and once the door was shut this guy told me "It is over". I went in laid down and went to bed. Next morning he said another thing mean, I said "do you love me?", he said "nope sorry I dont, now go f'n cry and pray to Your God!". I packed and left. Later I tried to talk to him but he wanted nothing to do with me. I was so confused, before he would say if you leave blah blah blah but when he wanted it to be over then that was word and no talking, or understanding anything. Can anyone help me evaluate? Was I being controlled? This guy hurt my self esteem alot, I will survive and he did all kinds of things and would never tell me about his ex girlfriends etc. only that they were all crazy! Imagine, they were all crazy, in 40 years you would think that at least one of them would have been suitable.

Wow, these stories have really opened my eyes and has really taught me alot - I'm that guy - the controller - and I hate it and myself!! I'm trying to understand everything I can about it. It's hard to read, because it's me, and I didn't realize the harm I was causing to my marriage. My wife is a great person, and I need to do whatever I can to fix ME - and maybe, just maybe, we can repair the damage done to our marriage.

Thanks, everyone!

Bob

Thank you for the confirmation! I just married a controlling person. I love him so much and I cant believe that I would ever love a control freak! Im not sure exactly how it happened but it did. I think he is a good man but there are certain things that he does that make it hard for me to be myself around him. It makes me sad that It is mostly wonderful and partly awfull!. I am taking your advice and getting out more and making some friends of my own. Im also going to look for a job ..again lol. I was hoping to stop working but I think that I have to have my own money to feel like I have some freedom..... I want to stay married to this man but I need to change how he makes me feel......Thank you for the wonderfull insights!

I am in one of these relationships too. We are both on 2nd time around marriage and have 3 kids, 2 girls are mine, 13 +16, and one girl is hers 16. Without boring you here are the facts of her control She needs to know everything we do around the house - 'where are you going' as we walk through a room. She has spies everywhere who tell her how I was speeding down whatever road, how the kids were seen acting like this or that when out shopping and harrangs us all (me and my kids only) about our behaviour. I am accussed of being false, a fraud, a hero when at church or in public, my children are the worst mannered kids shes ever met, DISRESPECTFUL always when trying to remonstrate with her over the most petty things - like a broken lunch box - my 13 year old had her mobile phone taken off her for days because of that. My 16 year old was called a prostitute for having a facebook profile pic of her on a sun lounger on holiday! My wife stares at the children all through tea at our table and doesnt speak or smile unless she finds them to be ill mannered by the way they either eat or drop a crumb (no crumbs are allowed to be on the table for more than a few seconds). My children are grabbed by their jaw for 'answering back' and then accused by her and believe it or not, by her own daughter for being disrespectful when they are only trying to point out where my wife may have got the situation wrong. She stabs her finger in all of our faces and sticks her chin out like we are scum and make her sick. I am accused of twisting her mind and playing emotional games when all I ever seem to try and do is placate, mediate and diffuse. Its impossible! I cant win as anything I do is let her down and disrespect her. She threatens to smash the house up when I need a breather after she has had a massive go at me. Or she says she wont be here when she comes back. I have been accused of having an affair more than once. I have my phone on silent now and locked as she has been through it checking on me and I dont speak to anyone in front of her for fear of being asked whilst I am talking who is it? My kids have until recently had to let her go through their facebook accounts and she regularly snoops through their phones. That is until recently when I said I am now responsible for them after she had screamed at me that they were all the usual bad things. So they have now got their own passwords. She forces me to drive at the exact speed limit and is constantly looking in her wing mirror and commenting about traffic which in a long drive drives me mad. The TV cant be on loud - and I mean more than volume 12 and only louder if I complain. We have all except her daughter given up watching TV as a family and gradually we all go upstairs in the evening to avoid any confrontation and cannot enjoy her presence as she will always find some problem with something. She cant forgive. She cant forget. She cant say sorry. That is someone who has a major problem. I AM always forgiving and try to forget and always have said sorry against my better judgement. My kids have had to be schooled by me in the art of how to deal with my wife to keep the peace. They have gone to great length to try and help themselves and me. It is wrong for this to have happened. It never lasted as my wife always picked holes again. Guess what? Her dad was in the army, was a drunkard and a wife beater and insisted on total control of the children. He beat them too and I have witnessed the control excerted over his own wife who left him after years of this abuse - a nervousw shaking wreck. I had counselling a year ago becuse I thought my wife might come too, but she didnt - she doesnt talk candidly to anyone at all! My counsellor warned me that this behaviour would not change and also it would get progressively worse especially if I modified my behaviour to say NO and THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR YOU TO SPEAK TO ME/CHILDREN IN THAT WAY etc. Well, this is now the end times for us. I have taken control of my own children and she of hers. Her child hates my children, as she believes her mum is right, mostly I think as blood is thicker, but also because she is used to her mums control and actually gets everything she wants without the abuse my kids have to go through. Her daughter has major OCD which I believe stems from being in a controlled environment (up to 7 they lived together before we married|. Her OCD is now being blamed on my eldest daughter and my wifes bad relationship and also the general arguing daily between me and the wife. I can truly say that living like this is a living hell and it just has disintegrated into a lunatic assylum! Everything I say has a supposed double meaning. I am interogated until she elicites whatever she wants to use against me. I am unable to remember stuff, seriously! I have lost my job due to the economy and feel totally inadequate to get a similar job as I have hardly any self esteem left - she has stripped me bare. If I got a job I am not sure how long I could hold it together. Friends and family all have small insite into whats happend independently from me. I have always been made to feel like a traitor for confiding in people about all this as she talks to noone at all. My 16 year old confided in a friend at church who then told my wifes 16 year old, and she then reported back to my wife!! Result...my wife stopped coming to church and said my girl was a nasty gossip and viscious rumour monger etc when actually she ignores this and many other crys for help or compassion and love from my girls. They are amazing in that given the chance they would still work with a counsellor to keep all this together and get the 'nice fun loving mum' back. But this is so unlikely as the controller never admits to being wrong or having any fault. Hence no one is allowed to mediate for fear of being exposed or having to admit things which may be distressing from the past. I am truly gutted as I love this woman so much, but not the controlling insider that lives in her - it is ruinous!!!! We are about to split up and divorce as there is no meeting point now I have removed her control from me and the children. I know she still loves me and she still has letters from me when we were in love which she deliberately leaves around - probably hoping I read them and somehow go back to saying she is right and I am wrong and allowing the control back over all of us and let the suffering begin again. I cannot let this happen and it is devastating but neccesary for mine and the kids sanity. I feel sorry for her daughter as she is imprinting on her mums behaviour and will replicate later on in life. I am far from blameless and have flaws, but they remain in the bounds of normal in relationships. I have become a liar to protect my children from the most benign accusations and also to just shut things down. Of course I always get caught out by the controlling detective and it makes it all worse...its so sad. There is loads more but hopefully this might help others recognise similar stuff in their lives and family?

my boyfriend and I had a son who is now 1 and a half and have been living with his parents until we saved enough money to move out. His mom and dad are controlling people and will try to force how I should raise my son on me and control my bf's behavior and influence him to do the same to me bc I do not agree with them and is strong willed.. This article describes the dad to a tee. He has made his son codependent on him and has been trying to do it with me buy buying expensive gifts out of nowhere, then is controlling. He makes you feel obligated toward him by it and therefore feel like you have to stay there and not move out or do what he suggests all the time. He has expressed he is scared being alone before. My boyfriend doesnt want to really leave their roof bc really, he's got it made. Doesnt have to pay bills and they help get him stuff he wants. Later I found out he wasnt even saving money to move out this whole time whilst I suffered his parents moodiness, games, intimidations, cut downs, and other means of trying to control me. I have built up resentment toward my partner that he has never stood up for me during all of this, even taking their lead and agreeing to whatever they say or whatever attack upon me. I have went through so much emotional pain during a time in my life that is supposed to be a happy experience. During the early months of breastfeeding I stopped producing milk for my son because of all the stress they caused me, which I did not know could happen. I found out from my pediatrician and right away knew the source of the problem. I feel like my boyfriends dad is the puppeteer and my boyfriend the puppet. I dont know what to do bc I love my bf but he has been under years of control, conditioning, and emotional abuse from his family and feel for him, even though he was not there for me during their emotional abuse toward me (probably bc he is scared to defy them) I'm stuck bc I want to live somewhere else and save on my own to get out of there but any sign the parents sees me trying to break away they retaliate and has my bf imagining this threat. I feel obligated to stay bc don want to deal with reprecussions and them raising hell again....I just want to be happy and break free. I dont know what to do.

I would like to comment that a lot of this page seems rather skewed toward a person who has self-esteem or security issues. I recommend the addition of links to help for the 'controlled' person to bolster their self-worth in order to deal with others in a more positive, assertive manner.

I also see from this comments page that there are an awful lot of people out there who think that they are with a controlling person, when what they are describing is actually abusive behaviour. If you are being cut off from family and friends, don't feel free to express yourself, or to come and go as you wish, then please, find resources in your community that help those in abusive relationships and get out. It will be the hardest thing you ever do but is a necessary step to get better.

Additional links to help both the controlled and the controller would be very helpful. Great article I must say. I've been very lucky to have stumbled upon it today. The truth is I'm the controller and really hate being this way. I've been trying to consciously tread through my evil ways to pick up where I need to change but I need additional help. Additional links would help greatly. Thanks!

Strange as thought my partner was like this, as I am a pacifist went along.

One day told him to piss-off, He has stopped all that nonsence great! You just need to speak up guys1

Hi Mary Anne C,

Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge about controlling-people. You describe so much of me. You have in a way help me to verbalise the negativities I've been having inside. Yes, it is so awful for people who have to live with such a person. I had wanted to end my life before because I felt so ashame and hopeless about ever becoming less controlling. I have made a resolve since last year that the most important thing in my life now is to change myself. I told myself, anyone who does not like me can stay away but NOT my family, they put up with my behavior because they love me.

Controlling-people needs alot of help and cognitive behaviour changes. Is there an article like this one that teaches one how to be less controlling?

It's been 8 years since this article was published. Thank you for keeping it going so that I could find it today. I wanted to cry. I realized what I have been living with for 34 years. Now, the trick is to figure out how to motivate my husbank to recognize that he is a controlling person. Any suggestions?

I would just like to say thank you for this article as i have just got out of a 3 month relationship. I met him on a cruiseship and at the time I just thought it was me, he used to say that i was a cold person.I have never been called that before. Then when I left the ship, we tried to do long distance.He used to always ask me questions, where ive been, what ive been doing, who have i been seeing,why i didnt pick up my phone,have i met someone else? I never gave him the reason to not trust me, i told him i loved him everyday. At the start i told him that he has to trust me otherwise i will leave. He said he would change and that its because of the situation of being on the ship that made him like he was. But i knew that was a load of rubbish! He said he wanted to marry me and i am his last relationship but then he was the one who said that we should split because i didnt answer my phone when he said he was going to ring! I realised from then on that it was a blessing and an escape! Thank god its after 3 months and not 3 years!

Hello, I wanted to thank for this article. I have to add that controlling behavior often involves condescending and aggressive patronizing, and this is the worst type of any toxic relationship I can ever imagine. It is an expression of ultimate rudeness and disrespect, and is aimed at ruining your self esteem first and then turning you into a personal slave. My simple four point advice to fight with it is: 1. Avoid such people as much as you can 2. Do not get seduced 3. Do not let them to bring the worst in you (overreacting, nervous breakdowns, fear, passive aggressive reactions, losing your work ethic, playing victim). Stay in control. 4. Don’t bash yourself if you fail in any of the above points. You are dealing with psychopath! And it is not your fault, you have right to lose cool. And if you being brought to the edge, it is not you who has bad karma!

My son is in a controlling relationship and he lives in another country. I am devoed by her behaviour and he is now showing behaviours that are indicative of what you are saying, loss of poweer, hope etc. She has now ostracised the family, they are both suicidal. help

I have a problem whereby I seems to have a pattern of going out with controlling guys which stems from my relationship with my father who is the ultimate control-freak. Since this is all I know, I seem to pick guys with similar personality traits. I have seen my mother turn from a bubbly outgoing and social individual to a loner with no friends. Her friends are now their friends and to the point my father has her friends numbers and knows were they all live and more. My father goes everywhere with her and if he can't he will pick her up. He goes through her things, diary, and phone. Baring in mind she has been with him for 25 years and given him 4 children you'd think this behaviour would've lightened up, but no. She gave him an inch and he's run an olympic run with this mile. I am scared that I too will end up with somone like my father.

My current boyfriend and in fact most of my exes have been the same. They want to know everything about me, so they will then use it against me and financially and emotionally drain me. My current boyfriend is the most controlling and paranoid, to the point in 4 months he has isolated me from all my friends male and female. If I am not with him and he calls me, he will give me 30 missed calls in 20 mins and be pissed off that I do not have my phone strapped to my arm. He has picked up my phone and forced me to speak to my friends on loudspeaker so he can hear the conversations. On the rare ocassion I am out with friends, he has demanded I keep the phone in my pocket so he can listen in on my time with my friends. I will put the phone down after about 5 - 10 mins and then he will call back giving another 10 missed calls and accuse me of telling my friends to act a certain way. None of my friends know the extent of his ways. He has requested to speak to the friends I am with when I arrive at my destination, which they have done, but have accused me of finding randomers on the street to act on my behalf. He is always accusing me of cheating or going to cheat or hiding the fact I am a cheat. How he thinks I have the time is beside me, I work stupid hours, go to uni and spend all my time with him. Yet I still have time to bump into a guy on my lunch break and suck a dick. He has climbed up my house to the 3rd floor (my room is in the attic) and climbed through my window cause he wanted to see me, after I told him no. Had I not heard all the noise he couldve broken his back. He has waiting for me from 3am in the morning till 6am outside my house to see if I am home cause he's wanted to see me after Ive told him I need space. He has freaked me out on several occasions turning up to my house uninvited and watching the house and gone through my neighbours garden just to through stones and get my attention. He has demanded for my debit card and then gone on sprees and refused to give back the money. He goes through every text, e-mail and my call register and asks me who it is, if it is a number not saved on my call log he calls it to find out if is a man. He has pretended to be me and text my ex who text me randomly and deleted the messages and then accused me of cheating with this ex, who I had not seen in 2 years. He knows the codes on my phone to go on data mode and find out any deleted messages or phone calls I have made. If I am away from him, he will call and call and call and call and call like, just to accuse me of cheating. He has read my diary and questions everything, what I do and why I do it, what I say and the tone for which it is spoken, what I think and the intentions behind the thought. No conversation can be had in peace. He is driving me insane and he will not accept that I do not want to be with him because I cannot become the blow-up chick with no friends or be how he desires. He says he will change, but I know he is lying to himself. I have made stupid sacrifices for him. I know I shouldn;t accept or be with him but it is mental abuse and exhausting and intense and so much easier said than done....

Hi Elizamclovin,

A nicer guy wants a nicer girl. Be as nice as you can stand, so to speak. Be a kind of new-old fashioned get it, and be a new girl -- get a new way for you.

Find better guys by going slow -- and not accepting controlling actions -- of insisting on getting his way.

Don't act sexy in public. Sexiness in public attracts the wrong kind. Go on early dates and have them take you home early.

That old boyfriend will have a sorry life and make people miserable. You can skip his type. Stop accepting 3rd best.

Insist on dating a few times before a little passionate kissing or anything (just quick kisses at first), and date more times before deciding on being a steady girlfriend.

Have shorter dates and be home early. Do not be easy to get; the sex blinds you both.

Sex would become the relationship. Wait and see how he acts when he does not get everything he wants. You have to control that.

Don't show your cards: explain that you have standards -- but don't tell them too much about your defensiveness either, until you know him pretty well.

Drop him for a few days, if he is too demanding or rude, or too insistent, then two weeks if he is still too far out -- then completely, if he is mean or controlling.

Suspend judgment, go slowly, wait, so do not fall for, or be close with a man quickly.

Be patient. Be fun, but not too available or wild. Dress modestly in public. Be cute and girly, but not too cute.