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  1. It's ! Kill some time until you're mathematically eliminated!

  2. Play Bubble Burst Bernie! The best political video game since Senator Pac-Man.

  3. Me: “Your Honor, you are what you eat. And the man I ate was NOT a cannibal.” Judge: “Case Dismissed!”

  4. Like movies? Join me in NJ , with 150+ films, events, and parties starting tonight, thru May 8!

  5. My friend ’s new doc debuts tomorrow at 9pm on CNN! Don’t worry, it ends in time for you to watch my show.

  6. Tonight! You heard it here first: will not not not not not accept the presidential nomination.

  7. Honored to have one million subscribers! Who knows what number comes next?!

  8. . will be on tonight, assuming his appearance doesn’t get tied up in committee.

  9. Check out the new book “Callings: The Purpose and Passion of Work.” It's just like radio but on paper.

  10. Monday's guest has a lot of big ideas, and also several smaller ones.

  11. It’s the tax guide! Print this out and throw it into the grocery bag where you keep your receipts.

  12. Historical consequentia!

  13. Wanna spend the wknd w/ me? : 4/29-5/1. Opening Night + convos with Rob Reiner & Richard Curtis:  

  14. Tonight, two-dimensional is back with his one-dimensional ideas.

  15. Tonight! The triumphant return of Cartoon Donald Trump!

  16. Thanks for letting me take over your Twitter, . And sorry about all the DMs I sent —he’s a silver fox!

  17. . made a donation to the city of Compton! She’s my favorite Williams sister, until steps up.

  18. Going to take a quick snooze. Anyone want to take over the Twitter? I’ll pick a random person who RTs this.

  19. . and have West and East Baltimore covered. Anyone want to take the other Cardinal points?

  20. The founder of Twitter made a donation to his home state of Missouri, and that’s a fact, .

  21. Will any of these donations go to our kids’ D&D clubs? The next might be out there somewhere, diceless.

  22. I’m back! Me, ! Don’t you recognize me? Twitter Jail changed me, man. Pretty good Wi-Fi, though.

  23. So, it seems soliciting baked goods violates Twitter bylaws—I'm off to Twitter Jail for the next 140 minutes. Don’t remarry.

  24. Thanks to CEO for his donation to the entire city of Las Vegas. Stay out of the casinos, kids!

  25. Kudos to for his donations to Texas, Nevada, and California. Good news, kids: You’re all getting flying desks!

  26. Oops. I meant "more than" zero percent chance Trump wins.

  27. Thanks to , schools won’t need to hold a bake sale to pay for stuff. Just send those baked goods to me, and we’ll be square.

  28. Hey , thanks for the donation to your hometown of Chattanooga, TN. Want to donate a RT to me?

  29. is a lot like a regular holiday, except you don’t get the day off. (Sorry, kids!)

  30. Thanks to for his donation to Minneapolis schools! You’ve bought those kids a lot of ice scrapers.

  31. Thanks to , kids around the country will have protractors, compasses, pencil erasers, and other newfangled gizmos.

  32. Greetings, HuffPostles! here, taking over until Arianna changes the password. #123456

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