Tweets
- Tweets
- Tweets & replies
- Photos & videos
*wakes up from sexy dream* Well, I can honestly say that was too many muppets.
Keeping it couth since day one. I've had opportunities to be uncouth but, couthness doesn't take weekends off.
*laughing condescendingly* You don't make your own windshield washer fluid?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I wonder if Magic Johnson regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career
I wish I was a dachshund because then I could be hanging with my friends and also crapping a pretty safe distance away from the group
sometimes it's nice to just sit back relax and imagine dogs wearin suits
*opens door* trick or treat? "It's October 14th" I'm dressed as a time traveller *scraps dinner off plate into his bag* "touché"
As I pick up the Oreo, one part of the cookie falls off before I can twist it off, and life seems not worth living.
As happy as a dad power washing his city garbage can.
Why don't they just make the entire immune system out of the chicken noodle soup?
Hot person saying anything: "wow, that's funny and true!"
[walks into tailor wearing the pants I want altered] Ya'll have backups here while I wait?
I'm just exhausted from continually knowing all the dance moves to every Nsync video ever. It's like, ask someone else please.
Good night, problems. I'll see you in the middle of the night and again in the morning.
This Halloween make sure to be safe. Follow these tips: 1. Potatoes 2. Sausages
When I was a teenager, I remember looking up pictures of naked women, and now I can't get erect unless you kick my sternum and burn me.
[notices I'm out of ketchup when I get the French fries home] I want divorce. Not just us. Everyone.
A nap is always a good idea. Bored at work? Take a nap. Sleepy after dinner? Take a nap. Already taking a nap? Wake up and take another nap.
john wilkes booth just wanted to see a play and this asshole sits in front of him with a tall ass hat on like hes king shit of fuck mountain
Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup.
Visit Twitter Status for more information.