Fake Jeff Smisek

@FakeUnitedJeff

I know you have a choice in parody airline CEOs, and I thank you for choosing FakeUnitedJeff. Reach me at: FakeUnitedJeff@gmail.com

Hous^H^H^H^H Chicago, IL
united.com
Joined January 2012
43 Photos and videos Photos and videos

Tweets

You blocked @FakeUnitedJeff

Are you sure you want to view these Tweets? Viewing Tweets won't unblock @FakeUnitedJeff

  1. Pinned Tweet
    10 Jun 2014

    United: we didn't start the race to the bottom, but by God we plan to win it!

    9 replies 92 retweets 152 likes
    Undo
  2. 23 hours ago

    I’ve got a design for an airline “seat“ that involves drugging and mildly dehydrating passengers so we can board them via shipping containers prone and sleeping. I call it Project Cordwood

    6 replies 3 retweets 26 likes
    Undo
  3. Apr 20

    BREAKING: CBP to replace “Welcome to the United States of America” signs at airports with “Welcome Citizens! Foreigner? Fuck you fuck you fuck you” in 141 facilities around the US.

    2 replies 3 retweets 22 likes
    Undo
  4. Apr 19

    Good statement. They were just doing their jobs. But that’s mean they didn’t exceed expectations in a tough situation.

    Please see below a statement from the Captain and First Officer of Flight 1380.
    1 reply 1 retweet 8 likes
    Undo
  5. Apr 18

    When the FAs tell you to leave everything, listen. Federal law prohibits me from stealing your knapsack full of juice boxes or Nintendo Flip

    1 retweet 18 likes
    Undo
  6. Apr 18

    Alternate view: people who don’t listen to safety instructions and die from lack of oxygen exit the gene pool. Let natural selection do it’s job - those people deserved to die.

    PEOPLE: Listen to your flight attendants! ALMOST EVERYONE in this photo from today is wearing their mask WRONG. Put down the phone, stop with the selfies.. and LISTEN. **Cover your NOSE & MOUTH.
    1 reply 1 retweet 9 likes
    Undo
  7. Apr 17

    Clarification for dumb aviation reporters: restrictions on the RR Trent engine 787s don’t limit range so much as how far they will let them fly from a diversion airfield. The “oh-shit-I’m-gonna-die” time.

    1 reply 7 likes
    Undo
  8. Apr 17

    This is basically why Status programs can never die.

    "The loss of privilege feels like persecution" really is the skeleton key to our ridiculous historical era.
    1 reply 7 likes
    Undo
  9. Apr 17

    Your life is worth about $8 a flight

    After investigation into safety record, the budget airline is now offering roundtrip flights from Concord, NC to Florida & New Orleans for $42-$50 perhaps as a way to lure back customers.
    1 reply 1 retweet 9 likes
    Undo
  10. Apr 17

    Looks like we're going to get a 2nd Polaris lounge open, just in time for the 2nd anniversary of the announcement of our "new service" (and just after we finish gutting all the product improvements in-flight.

    1 reply 2 retweets 10 likes
    Undo
  11. Apr 16

    Just to be clear, just because you bought a ticket from United while I was CEO doesn't mean you have attorney-client privilege. I will totally tell the feds about your stash.

    2 retweets 16 likes
    Undo
  12. Apr 16

    True story

    In the first 5 minutes of Lost in Space, the displays are in meters but the audio readout is in feet. Anyway that's probably why they crashed
    1 reply 10 likes
    Undo
  13. Apr 16

    Allegiant: shoddy maintenance, frequent breakdowns, eventual tragedy. The race to the bottom is going to kill you --

    1 reply 3 retweets 7 likes
    Undo
  14. Apr 13

    Based on the last few days, I was fairly sure the airstrikes were going to be on Medina, WA somewhere in the immediate vicinity of Jeff Bezos' house.

    3 replies 2 retweets 25 likes
    Undo
  15. Apr 11

    Welcome to United, home of the United Extra-Basic Economy Squat!

    It’s baaaaaack! The AvioInteriors Skyrider saddle seat is returning to after its controversial reception. Will the fact that 28” is normal on low-cost carriers mean that a 23” squat for a (very) short flight seems more palatable?
    1 reply 1 retweet 5 likes
    Undo
  16. Apr 11

    It took over 20 takes to get this motion right. Robotics are amazing, but programming them is still a hard skill. Hence no robot FAs yet. YET.

    0:12
    "don't forget to drink the water, humans like water"
    Show this thread
    6 likes
    Undo
  17. Apr 11

    United admitted that they're not going to swap their bonus program for a lottery. No word yet on what other way they're going to find to piss off their already toxic employees.

    2 replies 3 likes
    Undo
  18. Apr 9

    Now THATs subtweeting on a papal level

    Are you in a position of authority? Be holy by working for the common good and renouncing personal gain.
    1 retweet 7 likes
    Undo
  19. Apr 9

    There's an event going on right now where companies vie to come up with ideas to make airline cabins as bad as possible. Godspeed!

    2 replies 1 retweet 12 likes
    Undo
  20. Apr 6

    I don’t get how some politicians can start any trade war they like but when I ask the USAF to force down a few EK, EY, and QR planes to show them how we feel about their “competition” I’m a monster.

    3 replies 2 retweets 12 likes
    Undo
  21. Apr 6

    Wow, the A350 seems like it’s not doing so hot these days.

    2 replies 1 retweet 11 likes
    Undo

@FakeUnitedJeff hasn't Tweeted yet.

Loading seems to be taking a while.

Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.

    You may also like

    ·