Existential Comics

I wish there was a dislike button on Twitter. Actually, I wish there was ONLY a dislike button. I dislike a lot more stuff than I like.

Good comic artists draw hands passably, great comic artists draw them well, but the true masters hide them behind a plant or something.

Being a comic artist is 5% thinking up ideas, 10% realizing those ideas, and 85% redrawing hands that you fucked up the first time.

I think there might be a monster in my closet. It's Socrates. He's asking me to define justice again.

Has anyone ever had a conversation in a group that wasn't totally banal and irritating? I'm skeptical.

When my grandkids are living in an arid desert, I'll be able to say I did what I could to stop global warming. I sent out several tweets.

I tried to read The Phenomenology of Spirit, but I'm so used to skipping over sections that talk about Hegel that I skipped the whole thing.

I hope they figure out how the brain causes consciousness soon. Then maybe they can finally find a cure.

Despair is: Kierkegaard: a relation between finite and infinite Schopenhauer: unrealised willing Sartre: that Camus is more popular than me

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for a life. Hire a man to fish and exploit his labor for profit.

and then one day everyone just ran out of tweets

We should learn philosophy to: Aquinas: understand God Sartre: understand freedom Popper: understand science Hegel: understand Hegel

Socrates is cool and all, but I wouldn't exactly want him as my roommate.

what's weird is it's almost the same list as "philosophical theories that sound like supervillains", just replace "Semiotics" with "Akrasia"

Philosophical theories that sounds the most like ice cream flavors: Semiotics Tabula rasa Monadologie Supervenience Apollonian & Dionysian

"We have more of a Platonic love" "So you aren't attracted to me?" "I more meant that it was all based on a noble lie. But yeah that too."

Sometime I feel like Hawkeye in the Avenger movies. He's there and contributing and stuff, but also it's an ideal time for a bathroom break.

Good cop: I'm on your side, just work with us. Bad cop: if you don't, enjoy the slammer! Sad cop: my wife left me and she's not coming back.

Happiness is: Plato: knowledge Aristotle: virtue Epicurus: tranquility Aristippus: pleasure Socrates: showing people how stupid they are

Francis Bacon: "knowledge is power" Michel Foucault: "knowledge is power, but in, like...a much more sinister way."

Sex, drugs, and German phenomenology.

What authors named their fists: Faulkner: The Sound and The Fury Tolstoy: War and Peace Dickens: The Best of Times and The Worst of Times

What philosophers named their fists: Kant: the beautiful and the sublime Foucault: discipline and punish Russell: f(1) and f(2)

Levels of class consciousness: 1. Seeing class distinctions 2. Understanding exploitation 3. Correctly spell "bourgeoisie" on the first try

Pessimist: the glass is half empty. Optimist: yeah but at least what is left in the glass is alcohol.

Humanity is: Aristotle: the rational animal Descartes: a soul and body Sartre: transcendently free Nietzsche: a bunch of goddamn idiot sheep

Okay, one more episode of Netflix and then I'll for SURE get started on finding a reason to live.

It's Karl Marx's birthday, but it's also Cinco de Mayo. Celebrate by getting really drunk and overthrowing the bourgeoisie.

people think owl is the wisest because he is well read, but raccoon has street wisdom

If an alien species observed humanity, they might come to the mistaken conclusion that we believe mornings are good. Mornings are not good.

I like democracy, what I don't like so much is the other voters.

"I'm sorry, we can never be together." "What? Why not?!" "You are slightly the wrong kind of socialist."

Remember, printers evolved from pack animals and still have instincts to assert dominance. Never let your printer think it's the alpha.

Sometimes someone has a bunch of good tweets in a row, but you gotta withhold some of your favs and play it cool so they don't lose respect.

and remember, never bring up Lacan until at least the third date...

Best philosophy to talk about to get a date: 1. Camus 2. Nietzsche 3. Stoicism 4. On second thought maybe don't talk about philosophy at all

Is there a way to get my money back from God? Because I'm highly dissatisfied with the creation of the universe.

he's a true egalitarian btw in case you were confused, not like those evil feminists who want to enslave and subjugate all men

He concluded (after about 3 more pages), that the joke was not in fact funny, and also that most rapes are probably made up by evil women.

Philosophy is: 200 BC: the path to the good life. 900 AD: the path to God. 1600 AD: the path to truth. 2016 AD: the path to tenure.

Nietzsche might not have said "there are no facts, only interpretations" if he had known all of the terrible interpretations of him to come.

Check out these to 11 reasons why EXTREME scepticism is true! You won't be able to belief number 4! Or the others. Or really anything else.

The most serious decision in life, which must be made with utmost levity, is what to care about. I chose retweets, I think it's a good call.