NOT A WOLF

OKAY BUT WHAT IF INSTEAD OF UNSUBSCRIBING FROM THIS ANNOYING EMAIL CHAIN I JUST ALLOWED IT TO CONTINUE TERRORIZING ME FOR MONTHS BECAUSE APPARENTLY CLICKING THREE BUTTONS IS TOO MUCH FOR MY BUSY SCHEDULE

MAYONNAISE IS DYING BECAUSE IT NEVER GOES BAD AND ONE JAR LASTS LIKE A HUNDRED YEARS

FOR REAL THOUGH IF MILLENNIALS HAD THE POWER TO KILL ENTIRE INDUSTRIES DO YOU REALLY THINK WE'D BE LIKE "LOL MAYONNAISE IS DONE BUT THE STUDENT LOAN INDUSTRY CAN STAY"

BUT I AM GOING TO KEEP "ONCE FOUND A WHOLE CHICKEN BONE IN POCKET" UNDER SPECIAL SKILLS I THINK THAT BELONGS THERE

OKAY IF ONE MORE JOB INTERVIEW GOES POORLY I THINK I AM GOING TO TAKE "ALWAYS FIRST TO BRING UP DEATH" OFF OF MY RESUME

GONNA HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS BUT CALL IT A PODCAST SO ITS NOT WEIRD

FOR THE CURIOUS THE THREE APPS ARE TWITTER, FACEBOOK, AND THE ONE THAT TRACKS THE LOCATION OF VERY TIRED HORSES IN MY AREA

LISTEN I WOULD LOVE TO GRAB A DRINK TONIGHT BUT I WILL BE BUSY OPENING AND CLOSING THE SAME THREE APPS OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL I GO TO SLEEP

OKAY BUT IF I CANNOT BUY A GUN EASILY THEN I WILL HAVE TO GO BACK TO USING MY CAR AS MY SEMI-PHALLIC EXTERNALIZATION OF MY INSECURITY AND HONESTLY I AM STILL IN WAY TOO MUCH STUDENT LOAN DEBT TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT

SORRY BUT IF I WAS SUPPOSED TO EAT VEGETABLES I WOULD BE ABLE TO WATCH THE LIFE LEAVE THEIR EYES AS I BASK IN THE SUCCESS OF THE HUNT

SORRY JUST ORGANIZING MY BOOKS BY COLOR TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU CAN TAKE NOTHING WITH YOU INTO THE VOID

INCREDIBLY RUDE THAT BRANDS CONTINUE TO ADVERTISE BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIALS EVEN THOUGH I HAVE FINISHED SCHOOL AND EACH PASSING FALL FEELS LIKE A PERSONAL ATTACK

OH WOW THANK YOU FOR THE COMPLIMENT I AM SO GOOD AT ACCEPTING THOSE NOW IF YOULL EXCUSE ME I AM GOING TO CONDENSE INTO MYSELF UNTIL I AM AN INFINITELY DENSE POINT FOR UNRELATED REASONS

TRYING TO PICK MY FAVORITE PART OF BEING A HUMAN -HAVE TO WEAR PANTS PLACES EVEN THOUGH I WAS GIVEN NO CHOICE IN BEING ALIVE -LIVING IN A SOCIETY THAT ACTIVELY ROMANTICIZES SELFISHNESS DESPITE BEING BIOLOGICALLY WIRED TO CRAVE COMMUNITY -UNLIMITED SOUP, SALAD, AND BREADSTICKS

SURE EVERYONE IS ALL GOOD LUCK AND BREAK A LEG BUT JUST ONE TIME YOU TELL SOMEONE TO BITE THE THROAT OF THEIR GOALS AND WATCH THE LAST OF ITS LIFE LEAVE THE BODY AND YOU ARENT ALLOWED AT YOUR SONS BASKETBALL GAMES ANYMORE

BUDDY YOU KNOW THAT IF I AM TALKING ABOUT A SEASON OF BONES I AM REFERRING TO THE BELOVED TELEVISION SHOW AND NOT THE THREE MONTHS WHERE I BURY WHAT REMAINS OF THOSE THAT CHALLENGED ME

IM CONCERNED THAT IF WE SOCIALIZE MEDICINE THE GOVERNMENT WILL STOP INVESTING OUR MONEY IN TRYING TO CREATE A GUN SO BIG IT CAN SHOOT A HOLE THROUGH GOD

ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE IN A GROUP CHAT BUT NOW MY PHONE IS ALWAYS SCREAMING AND NO ONE EVEN WANTS TO TALK ABOUT BONES

SURELY NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN FROM ASSUMING THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE WILL ASCEND TO PERFECTION ONCE MY CURRENT PROJECT IS COMPLETED THAT IS REALISTIC ITS HEALTHY AND FINE