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My son just said, "Life gets more interesting if you answer every question with 'Not since the accident.'"
245 retweets 519 foretrukneThe traits we Americans supposedly admire—selflessness, civic spirit, egalitarianism—are financially unrewarded.
88 retweets 156 foretrukneYou must watch @ChelseaVPeretti. Her Netflix comedy special is hilarious, dark, amazing. http://tinyurl.com/kj5booj
When my friends say "You can stay at our house," I think, "But that'll make you want to stay at mine." #ViciousCycle
Charles Manson's marriage is legal in 50 states. Gay marriage isn't. Over to you, conservatives.
2.087 retweets 1.718 foretrukneModerate Republicans are as rare & endangered as the Bengal Tiger. We should start a Save the Sane GOPers Fund!
25 retweets 104 foretrukneTeam is 1-7 for season & down by 18 to Warriors, but Lakers fans still chant "MVP" for Kobe. #Delusional
Here's your Sunday Sermon: Chris Rock on American Indians: http://youtu.be/AQRTirco4Mg
64 retweets 119 foretrukne
YouTube
I once lost my drivers license but got through airport security using author photo on my book & my Costco card.
94 retweets 442 foretrukneEvery personalized license plate means, "I'm a materialistic asshole."
66 retweets 190 foretrukneIsn't it sad when you realize the dirt on your glasses is your own fallen dandruff?
21 retweets 88 foretrukneThe airport PA system is playing the Law & Order: SVU theme song. I am now afraid of everybody.
53 retweets 178 foretrukne"Dance like nobody's watching" sounds sociopathic when whispered.
103 retweets 174 foretrukneYou want to know our three favorite songs? Then maybe listen to new episode of our podcast! http://bit.ly/1GT28Pm
6 retweets 15 foretrukneMy phone corrects "aches" to "cages," which seems desperately romantic. Yep, I've got the LG Keats Bright Star.
27 retweets 86 foretrukneWriter Publicity Bullshit: When you claim your favorite book is Anton Chekhov's Collected Stories.
29 retweets 97 foretrukneOur new podcast! We discuss Kareem Abdul Jabbar's bathroom! http://tinyurl.com/nr3dlap
4 retweets 24 foretrukneGuy next to me on airplane is reading Wall Street Journal & The Bible. What are the chances he's an asshole?
116 retweets 371 foretrukneAirport hotel lobbies smell of coffee, loneliness, aftershave, waffles & vague capitalistic ambitions.
79 retweets 194 foretrukneI was conceived in the backseat of a '56 Chevy parked outside the Buck & Doe Tavern in Spokane, WA. How about you?
28 retweets 128 foretrukneTwitter er måske overbelastet eller oplever en midlertidig forstyrrelse.
Besøg Twitter-status for mere information.