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My son just said, "Life gets more interesting if you answer every question with 'Not since the accident.'"
245 uudelleentwiittausta 519 suosikkiaThe traits we Americans supposedly admire—selflessness, civic spirit, egalitarianism—are financially unrewarded.
88 uudelleentwiittausta 156 suosikkiaYou must watch @ChelseaVPeretti. Her Netflix comedy special is hilarious, dark, amazing. http://tinyurl.com/kj5booj
When my friends say "You can stay at our house," I think, "But that'll make you want to stay at mine." #ViciousCycle
Charles Manson's marriage is legal in 50 states. Gay marriage isn't. Over to you, conservatives.
2 087 uudelleentwiittausta 1 718 suosikkiaModerate Republicans are as rare & endangered as the Bengal Tiger. We should start a Save the Sane GOPers Fund!
25 uudelleentwiittausta 104 suosikkiaTeam is 1-7 for season & down by 18 to Warriors, but Lakers fans still chant "MVP" for Kobe. #Delusional
Here's your Sunday Sermon: Chris Rock on American Indians: http://youtu.be/AQRTirco4Mg
64 uudelleentwiittausta 119 suosikkia
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I once lost my drivers license but got through airport security using author photo on my book & my Costco card.
94 uudelleentwiittausta 442 suosikkiaEvery personalized license plate means, "I'm a materialistic asshole."
66 uudelleentwiittausta 190 suosikkiaIsn't it sad when you realize the dirt on your glasses is your own fallen dandruff?
21 uudelleentwiittausta 88 suosikkiaThe airport PA system is playing the Law & Order: SVU theme song. I am now afraid of everybody.
53 uudelleentwiittausta 178 suosikkia"Dance like nobody's watching" sounds sociopathic when whispered.
103 uudelleentwiittausta 174 suosikkiaYou want to know our three favorite songs? Then maybe listen to new episode of our podcast! http://bit.ly/1GT28Pm
6 uudelleentwiittausta 15 suosikkiaMy phone corrects "aches" to "cages," which seems desperately romantic. Yep, I've got the LG Keats Bright Star.
27 uudelleentwiittausta 86 suosikkiaWriter Publicity Bullshit: When you claim your favorite book is Anton Chekhov's Collected Stories.
29 uudelleentwiittausta 97 suosikkiaOur new podcast! We discuss Kareem Abdul Jabbar's bathroom! http://tinyurl.com/nr3dlap
4 uudelleentwiittausta 24 suosikkiaGuy next to me on airplane is reading Wall Street Journal & The Bible. What are the chances he's an asshole?
116 uudelleentwiittausta 371 suosikkiaAirport hotel lobbies smell of coffee, loneliness, aftershave, waffles & vague capitalistic ambitions.
79 uudelleentwiittausta 194 suosikkiaI was conceived in the backseat of a '56 Chevy parked outside the Buck & Doe Tavern in Spokane, WA. How about you?
28 uudelleentwiittausta 128 suosikkiaTwitter saattaa olla ruuhkautunut tai kärsiä hetkellisestä ongelmasta.
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