توييتها
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My son just said, "Life gets more interesting if you answer every question with 'Not since the accident.'"
۲۴۵ retweets ۵۱۹ favoritesThe traits we Americans supposedly admire—selflessness, civic spirit, egalitarianism—are financially unrewarded.
۸۸ retweets ۱۵۶ favoritesYou must watch @ChelseaVPeretti. Her Netflix comedy special is hilarious, dark, amazing. http://tinyurl.com/kj5booj
When my friends say "You can stay at our house," I think, "But that'll make you want to stay at mine." #ViciousCycle
Charles Manson's marriage is legal in 50 states. Gay marriage isn't. Over to you, conservatives.
۲٬۰۸۷ retweets ۱٬۷۱۸ favoritesModerate Republicans are as rare & endangered as the Bengal Tiger. We should start a Save the Sane GOPers Fund!
۲۵ retweets ۱۰۴ favoritesTeam is 1-7 for season & down by 18 to Warriors, but Lakers fans still chant "MVP" for Kobe. #Delusional
Here's your Sunday Sermon: Chris Rock on American Indians: http://youtu.be/AQRTirco4Mg
۶۴ retweets ۱۱۹ favorites
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I once lost my drivers license but got through airport security using author photo on my book & my Costco card.
۹۴ retweets ۴۴۲ favoritesEvery personalized license plate means, "I'm a materialistic asshole."
۶۶ retweets ۱۹۰ favoritesIsn't it sad when you realize the dirt on your glasses is your own fallen dandruff?
۲۱ retweets ۸۸ favoritesThe airport PA system is playing the Law & Order: SVU theme song. I am now afraid of everybody.
۵۳ retweets ۱۷۸ favorites"Dance like nobody's watching" sounds sociopathic when whispered.
۱۰۳ retweets ۱۷۴ favoritesYou want to know our three favorite songs? Then maybe listen to new episode of our podcast! http://bit.ly/1GT28Pm
۶ retweets ۱۵ favoritesMy phone corrects "aches" to "cages," which seems desperately romantic. Yep, I've got the LG Keats Bright Star.
۲۷ retweets ۸۶ favoritesWriter Publicity Bullshit: When you claim your favorite book is Anton Chekhov's Collected Stories.
۲۹ retweets ۹۷ favoritesOur new podcast! We discuss Kareem Abdul Jabbar's bathroom! http://tinyurl.com/nr3dlap
۴ retweets ۲۴ favoritesGuy next to me on airplane is reading Wall Street Journal & The Bible. What are the chances he's an asshole?
۱۱۶ retweets ۳۷۱ favoritesAirport hotel lobbies smell of coffee, loneliness, aftershave, waffles & vague capitalistic ambitions.
۷۹ retweets ۱۹۴ favoritesI was conceived in the backseat of a '56 Chevy parked outside the Buck & Doe Tavern in Spokane, WA. How about you?
۲۸ retweets ۱۲۸ favoritesممکن است توییتر بسیار شلوغ باشد یا اینکه دچار یک وقفه موقت شده باشد.
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